My HIV positive disclosure and immediate rejection in the form of a sad, pathetic let down that's suppose to make me feel better??? I don't know. I'm in west Texas, so I've already got the deck stacked against me times two. Okay, so with each disclosure/rejection (because that's what they've all been so far) it gets easier,
but not really. Easier, in that I don't fill with anger or sadness
& I probably won't cry in private about it -so, that's positive,
sort of. Ugh! I wish I could say that it hasn't hurt, and that it's
getting easier with each
disclosure & rejection -I guess it is in a way, but fuck....it's
frustrating my dear & I'm getting older. At least I'm trying -I'm
not giving-up (although it really appears that way at times, most of the
time, because I notice that I stay home most of my hours, days, weeks
in a month, shutting myself off from everyone, becoming too
comfortable with my solitude, but not really, socializing so much less
than I ever had in my life). I'm not sad, but it's sad. I know it will
change. I hope it changes soon. I need a change! xoxo
So, the above was a response to a dear friend after she had responded to a Facebook status about having had rejection once again after disclosing my HIV positive status because, frankly, I rather get it out of the way -said & done! Communicate often and with full honesty makes life easier in the long run. I could have waited to disclose -Yes, waited until the minutes before sex (get em all worked-up and then drop the HIV bomb) because it's pretty much law in one way or another in most states that an HIV positive person must disclose to their sexual partner -which is fucked-up in my opinion because I could give you Hep-C and/or Herpes and not have had to mention it prior to sex and not be criminalized. However, I have that naughty gay disease of the 1980's and I have the potential to give anyone an excruciating, quick, and painful way to die (not sarcasm). That's not the case anymore -for example, Me: I was at death's door with Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia 3 and-a-half years ago at the time of my initial diagnosis, spending ten days in the hospital and months recovering afterward; but now, my immune system has rejuvenated, increasing my T-Cells to a low normal amount and I have been undetectable for 2 years. I'm getting off track a bit....so anyway, I tend to worry & carry anxiety in buckets, so it's easier for me to get it out in the open -out of the way. I'd hate to get arrested and sent to prison for not disclosing my fucking HIV to a partner or potential partner.
So, following this sentence, was my Facebook status that sparked the first paragraph above and all thereafter.
"Another
one bites my dust, deciding to, "Not go there" I mean [here] with me
because I am HIV Positive. He texts me, "I could never bring myself to
do anything sexual with someone who is pos while I'm neg." His
prerogative and I accept it; however, he quickly tells me a "story" and
by story, I mean made-up, and I let him get away with it. Why bother
trying to say anything, but I spout off some
statistics, tell him how healthy I am -undetectable- and then I stop
myself, ending what could be perceived as me trying to convince him to
change his mind. Fuck it, fuck him, & fuck the others that rejected
me so, so nicely during the past 2 years. He tells me more about some
other guy -his way of telling me that this is our last conversation.
No goodbyes, only him repeating the tale of, "this could be the one!"
Just rub it in, and rub it in some more. Again, fuck it! I hate this
part of my HIV/AIDS diagnosis. I could have not told him, but I worry
so had to get it out of the way -said and done! I should really keep
quiet until the moment of penetration. Fuck me! No, really, fuck me!
Please!"
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
In 1989, while while visiting my grandmother in Boy River, Minnesota, my
father and I took a few days to drive up to Canada, returning to MN
south of Thunder Bay so we could once again experience the North Shore.
Even though we had done the drive before, it never seemed to get old,
even to a 17 year old -my age at the time. I always enjoyed Gooseberry
Falls & Split Rock Lighthouse, but this time while having lunch in
Grand Marais, if memory serves me right, we noticed the framed posters,
photos on the wall and one stuck out -one of The Witch Tree. I
immediately become enthralled by it's twisted trunk sprouting from a
massive rock along the shore. How could that be? I had to go see it in
person. I'm not sure if I asked someone or read it on the poster or
what, but my father and I somehow figured out where we had to go to to
start looking for this mystical tree. We drove up to Grand Portage and
stayed at the Naniboujou Lodge for the night. I remember waking up
early and taking a walk along the lake shore at sunrise -it was a chilly
July morning, I remember putting on a long sleeve henley. After
breakfast, my father and I drove up to the old fort and drove down some
road, almost to it's end. We saw one sign, that had no mention of The
Witch Tree. I recall thinking at the time how difficult it had taken us
to even get to where we were on this search for the tree -this
beautiful, intriguing, captivating tree captured on film and printed on
posters...one would think that there would have been more interest in
seeing this tree and therefore a more clear and defined direction to it,
but no. I started walking down a path near the sign on the road and
after a few meters the path disappeared; the path I was walking had
grown over from lack of usage I assumed. I knew the lake was in front
of me so I kept walking till I reached the shore of Lake Superior. Once
there, I looked to my right, then to my left, and that's when I saw the
tree some meters away. It was magnificent. Soon my father caught-up
and we both admired in silence The Witch Tree sprouting from the large
lake shore rock. I couldn't believe we had found it. Was it luck, or
determination, I don't know -both! After saying a prayer and our
farewell, we trotted back through the woods toward the road we came
from. We emerged from the trees at a different location, from where we
had entered. There I noticed a second sign -it was further down the
road and hidden by vegetation. I'm not sure exactly how the words on
the sign read, but it mentioned the Native American Tribe and the sacred
grounds beyond the road and that only authorized tribe members could
walk beyond the sign. It was more than an "oops," to my father and I,
but we both agreed that we hadn't disturbed anything and had left the
area as we had come upon it. So, we said an apology to the spirits, got
in our car, and drove off. Oh, I did take one photograph.
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