Disclosure....rejection....disclosure....rejection....disclosure...blah!!!

My HIV positive disclosure and immediate rejection in the form of a sad, pathetic let down that's suppose to make me feel better???  I don't know.  I'm in west Texas, so I've already got the deck stacked against me times two.  Okay, so with each disclosure/rejection (because that's what they've all been so far) it gets easier, but not really.  Easier, in that I don't fill with anger or sadness & I probably won't cry in private about it -so, that's positive, sort of. Ugh! I wish I could say that it hasn't hurt, and that it's getting easier with each disclosure & rejection -I guess it is in a way, but fuck....it's frustrating my dear & I'm getting older. At least I'm trying -I'm not giving-up (although it really appears that way at times, most of the time, because I notice that I stay home most of my hours, days, weeks in a month, shutting myself off from everyone, becoming too comfortable with my solitude, but not really, socializing so much less than I ever had in my life). I'm not sad, but it's sad. I know it will change. I hope it changes soon.   I need a change!  xoxo


So, the above was a response to a dear friend after she had responded to a Facebook status about having had rejection once again after disclosing my HIV positive status because, frankly, I rather get it out of the way -said & done!  Communicate often and with full honesty makes life easier in the long run.   I could have waited to disclose -Yes, waited until the minutes before sex (get em all worked-up and then drop the HIV bomb) because it's pretty much law in one way or another in most states that an HIV positive person must disclose to their sexual partner -which is fucked-up in my opinion because I could give you Hep-C and/or Herpes and not have had to mention it prior to sex and not be criminalized.  However, I have that naughty gay disease of the 1980's and I have the potential to give anyone an excruciating, quick, and painful way to die (not sarcasm).  That's not the case anymore -for example, Me:  I was at death's door with Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia 3 and-a-half years ago at the time of my initial diagnosis, spending ten days in the hospital and months recovering afterward; but now, my immune system has rejuvenated, increasing my T-Cells to a low normal amount and I have been undetectable for 2 years.  I'm getting off track a bit....so anyway, I tend to worry & carry anxiety in buckets, so it's easier for me to get it out in the open -out of the way.  I'd hate to get arrested and sent to prison for not disclosing my fucking HIV to a partner or potential partner.  

So, following this sentence, was my Facebook status that sparked the first paragraph above and all thereafter.  


"Another one bites my dust, deciding to, "Not go there" I mean [here] with me because I am HIV Positive. He texts me, "I could never bring myself to do anything sexual with someone who is pos while I'm neg." His prerogative and I accept it; however, he quickly tells me a "story" and by story, I mean made-up, and I let him get away with it. Why bother trying to say anything, but I spout off some statistics, tell him how healthy I am -undetectable- and then I stop myself, ending what could be perceived as me trying to convince him to change his mind. Fuck it, fuck him, & fuck the others that rejected me so, so nicely during the past 2 years. He tells me more about some other guy -his way of telling me that this is our last conversation. No goodbyes, only him repeating the tale of, "this could be the one!" Just rub it in, and rub it in some more. Again, fuck it! I hate this part of my HIV/AIDS diagnosis. I could have not told him, but I worry so had to get it out of the way -said and done! I should really keep quiet until the moment of penetration. Fuck me! No, really, fuck me! Please!"